My Unexpected Journey to Motherhood
"I'm so sorry! We can’t seem to find a heartbeat.”
I remember those words being spoken to me in the cold ultrasound room on that rainy November day. A day that began with much excitement and expected celebration ended in disappointment, stolen joy and incredible pain. Though this was the third angel baby that we were gaining, the words didn’t lessen the pain. In fact, it was amplified, followed by so many questions. Not questions I expected the ultrasound technician nor the doctor to answer. I needed some answers from God in that exact moment. I needed Him to answer these questions for me:
“Why me, God?”
“Why is this happening again?”
“What am I supposed to do now that my faith is dwindling?”
“When are You going to give us our hearts’ desire?”
“God, have You forgotten about us?”
“What have we done to deserve this kind of pain?”
After hearing those words again, tears filled my eyes and the unexplainable joy we had in the prior weeks turned into an unexplainable pain. This isn’t quite the journey I was expecting. What happened to “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage?!” Wouldn’t that have been the perfect plan? That was how I thought my life would go, but clearly God allowed another plan to manifest. A plan where my pain dropped me right in the middle of my purpose. It wasn’t the journey I was hoping for and it certainly isn’t one I would choose to travel. When you start along a journey, most times you know the final destination but you may not know the intermittent stops along the way. I never ever thought I would run into bumps and bruises along the path to motherhood. In fact, a smooth sailing ride without any detours is what I had in mind. But clearly, God's plan was different (and of course bigger) than anything I could have imagined on my own.
After spending time in the quiet, still and peaceful presence of God, I learned that God was not the cause of our miscarriages. I was reminded of Job’s story (because I certainly felt like him).
“Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them. And the Lord said to Satan, “From where do you come?” So Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and forth on it.”
Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?”
So Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But now, stretch out Your hand and touch all that he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face!”
And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your power; only do not lay a hand on his person.” (Job 1:6-12 NIV)
Satan was the cause of Job’s pain, suffering and losses but God allowed the test. In the end, Job never cursed God! He never stopped trusting that even in the midst of such pain, God would deliver him from it. Job’s life has been my ultimate reminder that every pain has a purpose.
God has brought me into a season that is so incredibly tough. I am talking stuck between a rock and a hard place type of tough. Not only has He allowed me to walk in and through this season, but He has also instructed me to share with people all over the world. The past year or so has been filled with great joy, celebrations, fun and creating lots of memories. There have been moments when I was so in awe of God and honestly, there were others when I went back to wondering if God was the cause of my pain. Even in those moments, I clung to Him because I knew that only His hand could my hurting heart. I was certain then, as I am now, that only God could put the pieces of my broken heart back together.
If you follow me on Social Media or even have some knowledge of my life, then the events above are probably news to you. Losing three babies has been the most incredible pain I’ve had to endure in my lifetime. I never fathomed that miscarriages and fertility challenges would be a part of my journey. It never dawned on me that it would be difficult to conceive and carry a child to full-term. Nope, that was never supposed to be Tanika. But I have learned that because I am child of Jesus Christ, my life is not my own.
I don’t get to choose my peaks, valleys nor the mountains I am forced to climb or move through prayer. I have to accept everything that God allows to come into my life. Does it feel good? I don’t think I need to answer that. Has it made me doubt God at times? You bet it has.
But I know that the pain we have experienced has a very specific purpose in our lives, for His glory and to encourage and help others who share similarities of my story. In my life, most things have come very easy for me. I have never really had to work extremely hard for most things in my life. But God has brought me to a place where I know I will have to war spiritually to conceive and birth naturally. This current season of my life is one that is developing my character and bringing me into a greater depth of intimacy with God that I have yearned to have for so long. It is allowing me to experience God as a comforter when no one else can comfort me. It has been continuously displaying His great love for me in the midst of incredible pain. It is equipping me to build a prayer life that truly moves mountains out of the way. It is teaching me to choose my words carefully and confess only what I believe. Most of all, I now understand the power in focusing on what God is able to do regardless of the current physical circumstances.
Have I had those moments when I thought about giving up? Yes! Have I had moments when it seemed like it was happening for everyone except me? More times than I can count!
Do I still have moments when I doubt that what my husband and I desire will manifest in the earth? No, not anymore!
Why not? Because I know and understand God in a much deeper way than I did a year ago. The enemy has attempted to mess with my peace, but he will never be able to steal my joy. Sharing this was a very hard thing for me to do. In fact, I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago and am just now pushing the "post" button to tell the "world”. I am walking in obedience to what God has instructed me to do and now I am excited to share the intimate details of my story with you over the coming weeks.
If you, like me, are a mommy-in-waiting, I share your pain and I feel your emotions. I want you to know that you are not alone on this journey although it may feel that way at times. God has not forgotten about you and guess what, He is not the cause of your pain though He has allowed it to come into your life.
Every pain has a purpose. Yes, even this pain.
There are millions of women like you and me - women that are in a waiting season to become moms. These women are lovers of Christ and none of us feel like we deserve what is taking place in our lives. But you must learn not to dwell on what has happened (or not happened yet) and instead put your focus on what God is able to do.
“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”
(James 1:4 NKJV).
Your time is coming. My time is coming. Our blessings are coming. We are going to take this journey together and I am so excited about what God is about to do in all of our lives as we come together in prayer and faith!
Please come and visit the Blog at least weekly for new Blog posts along this journey. I will share what I have learned through this experience and how my relationship with Jesus Christ has moved me from a place of incredible pain to now walking in extraordinary faith. I pray that you will take this journey with me. Share this blog with women who may be in the midst of this same season. Let’s connect in prayer and faith…together. There is so much that we are going to do as a community of moms-in-waiting! Stay tuned!